


Babysitting can be dangerous.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-22
Updated: 2012-03-22
Packaged: 2017-11-02 08:47:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/367142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mycroft babysits. {Edited from an earlier version.}</p>
            </blockquote>





	Babysitting can be dangerous.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: this story contains one swear word.

John was bouncing Keats and Shelley on his knees when Sherlock rushed into the living room waving his phone.

"They're on their way" he shouted "we have to go."

"What about the kids?" asked John.

"Mrs Hudson can watch them for a bit" Sherlock suggested, putting on his coat and scarf.

"We might be gone for hours" said John "remember Byron? How long that took?"

"Where are you going, Daddy?" asked Keats, as he and Shelley climbed off John's knees with great reluctance.

"Daddy and Papa's new twins are going to be here soon" said John "and we have to be there."

"I'll call a few people" said Sherlock "someone'll want to come."

"Mike wont" said John "last time he babysat for us Marcus set fire to his beard."

"I'll call Lestrade" said Sherlock.

"He wont come either" John sighed "remember that little incident with Isabella. He called her a she devil."

"It wasn't her fault" said Sherlock "he shouldn't have left her alone in the bathroom."

"The place was flooded" John exclaimed.

"She likes water" Sherlock muttered "I'll call Mrs Hudson."

"She's an old lady" John shouted "they'd probably kill her. Accidentally of course."

"I'll get Mycroft" Sherlock sighed at last "he owes me a favor."

"Tell him to bring chocolate" John said.

+++++

Mycroft found himself alone with Sherlock and John's numerous offspring. How they had managed to persuade that foolish woman {he always thought of her like that} to have so many children for them was a great mystery to him, and to everyone else, he suspected. Now she was having twins for the second time. He was seriously glad he had no children himself. Sherlock's ever increasing brood was more than enough, he thought.

The moment he had arrived they had set about him. They had rushed him, en masse, so to speak, shouting "Uncle Mycroft" and "chocolate" and had almost knocked him to the floor in their eagerness. He had fallen into a chair and the next moment numerous little bodies and hands had been swarming all over him. It was quite frightening.

Now they were quiet for a moment as they sat on the floor and on the sofa eating. Byron already had chocolate all over his face and hands and Keats and Shelley were only marginally cleaner. Isabella kept wiping her hands down her trousers and her mouth on her sleeves. Natasha had dropped chocolate on the sofa and licked it off, leaving a large stain. Sheridan had sat on his and the sight of him turning around and around trying to see where it had gone was unexpectedly funny. Only Marcus, the eldest, seemed to be able to eat without making an huge mess. How Sherlock, who was totally disorganized in the house, and John would manage with 9 of them Mycroft dreaded to think. He had an horrible feeling his services would be required with an increasing frequency.

As he pondered on these depressing thoughts, his oldest nephew suddenly got up off the floor and came over to him. Now what, Mycroft thought. Marcus had an habit of asking weird questions. 

"Uncle Mycroft?" Marcus said "do you pick your nose?"

"No" said Mycroft firmly "and you shouldn't either. You should use a tissue or a handkerchief."

"What about your feet?" asked Marcus "Papa picks his feet."

"Only in private" said Mycroft, wondering what he was going to be told next. He didn't have to wait long.

"Uncle Mycroft" Marcus continued relentlessly "how many people have you killed?"

"It's wrong to kill people" Mycroft answered.

"Papa said you'd killed hundreds of people" Marcus continued "how did you do it? Did you drop bombs on them?"

"Your Papa exaggerates" said Mycroft "I haven't killed hundreds of people. I don't kill people."

"Granny Hudson said you pay men to kill people" said Marcus "does it cost a lot of money?"

Mycroft was wondering what to say to this when Natasha jumped on his knees and started kissing his face over and over again, leaving chocolate stains all over it. "I love you Uncle Mycroft" she enthused between kisses.

"Do you poison them?" asked Marcus, totally ignoring his sisters interruption.

"Was poison?" asked Byron, coming over, leaving a trail of chocolate in his wake.

Keats was on his hands and knees, eating squashed chocolate off the floor. "It's stuff you eat that makes you sick" he explained "like when you ate that ear Papa had in the fridge."

"Papa had three ears" said Shelley, joining her twin on the floor.

"Only one of them got ate though" said Keats.

"Ear, ear, ear" said Isabella, and laughed.

"I know" Marcus continued "you shoot them. In the head. Papa told me there's a lot of blood in your head. That's why, when you bang it, you bleed a lot of blood. It comes running out and drips all over your clothes."

"I banged my head" said Isabella "and no blood came out. Have you ever banged your head, Uncle Mycroft?"

Mycroft sighed. "Once or twice" he said, at last. 

"Did blood run out?" asked Marcus.

"There was some blood" Mycroft admitted.

"Papa had blood in the fridge" said Sheridan "and Daddy said don't touch the blood in the fridge. So me and Natasha took it out and it was all thick and we ate some with a spoon."

"It was horrid" said Natasha "and I was sick all over Daddy's feet."

"You were only sick on one of Daddy's feet" said Sheridan "you missed the other one."

"Daddy was cross" said Natasha "he shouted."

"Do you wring their necks?" asked Marcus "Papa said you can wring a chickens neck and then you take all its feathers off and scrape out its insides and then you cook it with some potatoes. When you wring a persons neck it's called strangling. Papa told me that."

"I think we've talked enough about killing now" Mycroft said firmly "why don't we play a game?"

"Hide and seek" shouted Sheridan, Natasha, Keats, Isabella and Shelley. At the same time, Marcus muttered "I want to play murder." Byron had fallen asleep on the floor in front of the bookcase and as a result had no opinion on the matter.

"We'll play hide and seek" Mycroft decided "we aren't going to play murder. I'm sure your Papa and Daddy wouldn't like that at all."

"Daddy would be cross" said Isabella "but Papa likes to play at murder. Uncle Greg likes to play it too."

"If we can't play murder can we play strip poker?" Marcus asked.

"Definitely not" said Mycroft.

"Papa and Daddy play it" Marcus pointed out.

"I'm sure they don't" Mycroft muttered "now, you all hide and I'll find you."

"They do play it" Marcus said indignantly "I got up one night and they were playing it. I asked them what they were doing and Daddy said they were playing strip poker."

"I'm certain that Daddy was joking" Mycroft sighed.

"Why was Daddy only wearing socks and a newspaper then?" asked Marcus "and why was Papa sitting on him wearing nothing but a hat?"

Mycroft started to feel somewhat out of his depth and not for the first time either. "Perhaps I was wrong then" he said at last "perhaps they were playing a game. Yes, I'm sure that was it."

"And they made me go back to bed" Marcus continued "and I heard Daddy say that it was a mistake."

"Papa cheats at games" Isabella explained "so I s'pose Daddy caught him again."

"That was definitely it" Mycroft said firmly "now go and hide while I put Byron to bed, and don't make too much noise and wake him up."

"Daddy says Byron can sleep through an earthquake" said Sheridan.

"That's when the ground moves about and holes come in the road" Marcus informed everyone "and sometimes things fall down the holes and you never see them again like horses and people and there's lots of screaming and blood."

"Houses fall down too" said Isabella.

"With people in them" continued Marcus with relish "there's lots of blood in people. It goes round and round your body all the time."

"Go and hide" shouted Mycroft from the living room doorway "and stop talking about blood, Marcus."

"I'm going to hide in the kitchen" Marcus told his siblings "so you all have to go somewhere else."

"I'm going to hide in Daddy and Papa's bedroom" Isabella told them all "there's lot's of places to hide in there."

"Daddy said it was a pig-sty" said Natasha "I'd like a pig."

"If you eat a pig it's pork" Shelley informed the room "I wonder why it's not a pig any more?"

"Pork IS pig" said Keats.

"I don't like pork" said Sheridan "it's hard to chew and when you bite it it makes your mouth hurt."

"That was because Papa cooked dinner and made the oven blow up" Marcus reminded them.

"I don't like it when Papa cooks" Natasha sighed loudly "he shouts at the cooker and drops things all over the floor and Daddy has to clean up and he makes me help."

"He makes us all help" Marcus shouted "I'm going to hide now else Uncle Mycroft'll find me before I've gone anywhere."

They scattered loudly. Mycroft could hear them quite clearly and knew instantly where they had all gone. He knew he had to spend some time pretending to look though. He gave Byron a kiss goodnight and prepared to search.

+++++

"Well" said Sherlock "that was easier than the last time."

"Only for us" John commented.

"Two weeks and we'll have them home with us" Sherlock said, looking pleased with himself.

"I don't know why we have to have so many" John sighed "I would have been happy with just 2 or 3."

"You're brave and good looking and fairly intelligent and I'm gorgeous and a genius" Sherlock said "it would have been tragic if all that was lost to the world once we die, especially in my case."

"They're just an experiment to you, aren't they?" John muttered.

"Of course, they aren't JUST an experiment" Sherlock replied, waving his hand at a passing Taxi Cab. The Taxi duly stopped and they got inside. John was feeling tired and slightly irritated with Sherlock. Sherlock was happy and banged his hands up and down on his knees, humming something tuneless. "Our children are delightful" he said "we just need to make sure they develop along the right lines."

"Whatever that means" John murmured to himself. He got out his phone and called Mycroft. Sherlock was irritated. "Why are you calling Mycroft?" he asked "we'll be home soon."

"I was just checking on the kids" said John.

"You fuss them too much" said Sherlock "they're all pretty self reliant you know."

"Marcus is only 9 and Byron is only 2" John muttered "how self reliant can they be?"

"I think we're both doing a great job with them" Sherlock told John firmly "and to think how they all reacted when Marcus was born. You'd have thought we were useless."

"Taking over the rest of 221B except the basement was a big help" John said "we couldn't have fitted them in otherwise, although all those stairs are a bit of a bind."

"They love the stairs" said Sherlock.

"I've told them over and over again not to leave toys lying on them" said John "it's dangerous for visitors."

"It was funny when Anderson tripped over that teddy and sprained his ankle though" Sherlock laughed "he made so much fuss you'd have thought he was dying."

"Isabella was upset" John recalled "she thought he WAS dying."

"And Marcus was upset too because there wasn't any blood" Sherlock laughed.

"It worries me that" said John "his obsession with blood and gore, I mean. It's not natural."

"He'll grow out of it" said Sherlock, who was not worried at all "or he'll become a Pathologist like his Mother."

"Oh great" said John "we'll never be free of him talking about blood and gore then."

"It'll be ages before we're free anyway" Sherlock commented "and just wait until the twins arrive. We'll be so busy, or rather, you will" he broke off, laughing, as John gave him a push.

"If only we could get a Nanny that actually stays" John sighed.

"Two more are coming to be interviewed tomorrow" said Sherlock.

"Let's hope one of them's suitable" John muttered "the last one we had had a nervous breakdown after she left us. She was arrested walking up Piccadilly wearing nothing but a Top Hat."

"She was totally the wrong shape for a Top Hat" Sherlock said seriously "too short and fat. A flat cap would have been better."

"She was having a breakdown!" John shouted "what did it matter what hat she was wearing?"

"She had no taste" said Sherlock "I could tell that from the start. Didn't I warn you she'd be no good?"

"Yes, you did" John snapped "and you were right, as usual, and I was wrong." He began wringing his hands dramatically. "Oh forgive me, useless thing that I am" he intoned.

Sherlock laughed. "Idiot" he said fondly "you just always see the best in people. I hope our kids can grow up to do that too."

"I do my best" John said "I just wish everyone we interview wasn't so daunted by our brood. Every time I say how many there are people look at me as if I've got two heads."

Sherlock laughed again. "And both of them are fantastic" he said, linking his arm in John's, "let's get home and see if they've killed Mycroft yet, shall we?"

+++++

When Sherlock and John arrived home they discovered Mycroft lying on the floor of the living room, apparently unconscious. Marcus and Isabella, dressed in their night clothes, were fanning him with pages of what looked like newspaper.

"Daddy, Papa" Isabella shouted and ran to them "Uncle Mycroft banged his head and fell down and we can't wake him up."

"There wasn't any blood" said Marcus darkly "so I didn't call for an ambulance. He's just stunned a bit, like Daddy was when Sheridan hit him with a train."

John bent over Mycroft. "What happened exactly?" he asked "and where is everyone?"

"They're all in bed" Marcus explained "we played hide and seek. I wanted to play murder but Uncle Mycroft said no. We all hid and Uncle Mycroft found us. He found me last because I was in the Pantry. There was a dead rat in a bottle in there and some horns and lots of gunge. Then Uncle Mycroft made us have a bath and we had one this morning so we weren't dirty at all. We all went to bed and I was asleep when I heard this big bang and I went to see what it was and Isabella had hit Uncle Mycroft and knocked him down."

"He was bending over and I hit him with the poker" said Isabella.

"Why did you do that?" asked John "I've told you before about hitting people."

Isabella started to cry. "I thought he was a burglar" she sobbed "he looked different bending over."

At that moment Mycroft gave a groan and opened his eyes. "What the fuck?" he muttered.

"Fuck is a rude word" said Marcus in a self righteous tone.

Mycroft sat up, holding his head. "I've been attacked" he said.

"Isabella thought you were a burglar" said Sherlock "how many 8 year olds would be so resourceful and brave when faced with a burglar?"

"I'm going home" said Mycroft, stiffly, "and don't ever ask me to babysit again."

"Uncle Mycroft didn't like Keats hiding on the roof" said Marcus, as Mycroft slowly got to his feet, helped by John "he said it was dangerous and he might have fallen off and Uncle Mycroft had to climb on the roof to get him down and he was angry and then he was angry again because Sheridan wasn't hiding at all, he was just sitting in the hall eating a chicken leg."

"Natasha and Shelley hid under Daddy and Papa's bed" said Isabella "and Uncle Mycroft got stuck trying to get them out so me and Marcus pulled his feet and Natasha and Shelley pushed his head and he wriggled and got out and he used a whole lot of very rude words which I'm not going to say and Keats did a wee in the bath. That was very rude too."

"It sounds like a fun evening" said John, trying not to laugh at the image he now had of Mycroft stuck under a bed being pulled in all directions "you don't seem to have behaved very well. We'll all have to have a talk about that in the morning. Now go back to bed, both of you."

"Uncle Mycroft let us eat pizza" said Marcus "I ate all mine even the little black things on it."

"Good for you" said John. He gave both of them a big kiss, and patted their behinds. "By the way" he added "you have 2 new little sisters."

"Just don't kill them when they come home" said Sherlock, grinning, as he came back into the room having made sure Mycroft had left all in one piece.

Once Marcus and Isabella had gone back to bed Sherlock and John collapsed together onto the sofa, laughing. "It's not funny" John said "it's not funny at all."

"Poor Mycroft" said Sherlock, wiping his streaming eyes "let's go to bed ourselves. I'm exhausted."

They stood up and it was only then that they discovered they had sat in some squashed chocolate and something else of unknown origin, which appeared to be green, and, which they later discovered, rotted their clothing. However, all things considered, it had definitely been a great evening.

 

THE END.


End file.
